what i want is not necessarily what i need

saya janji nak tulis entry baru only after a week...n today is friday so here i am...almost forgot that a week has passed already...


n yes...aku tak dapat nk melawan godaan frenster (kne reply komen kwn2...huhu) n facebook (ni pn sbb nk reply msg abg)...alasan sungguh...hahahaha


nothing much going on these past few days...cuma starting from last saturday sampai hari rabu, UPM organizes Sesi Konvokesyen yg ke-32...sempat la jmp ziha, nani n few others yg celebrate konvokesyen diorg...fikir2 most definitely takkan sempat nak join sesi konvokesyen next year...i guess i'll juz have to wait till 2010 punye session...hopefully by dat time i've found a job already...*sigh*


what else?


been thinking bout lots of stuff lately...typical arguments...dan sememangnye hidup ini kadang-kadang lebih mudah jika kita tak berfikir terlalu banyak (rasanye la)...


pasal tajuk entri kali ni...relevan kah pernyataan di atas?


berdasarkan pengalaman yg tak seberapa ni...i can conclude that statement ada relevan nye...sbb hanya bersandarkan beberapa insiden dalam hidup, saya berani mengatakan yg kadang-kadang apa yang kita mahu tak semestinye kita perlukan...its kinda true


dulu pernah minat gila-gila kat sorg mamat ni...kwn sekelas...admiring him since form 2 (due to some silly game yg ktorg invent mse boring2 duk dlm klas mse musim sukan...ya, saya mmg tak aktif)...gila-gila minat kat dia smpi dkt 6, 7 taun la lbh kurang...major crush la org kate...tp pd 1 hari yg pelik, dia tibe2 mintak jd 'lebih dr kawan'...i'm stunned...kelu lidah...tp entah kenapa aku tak pernah rasa excited pn bile dia ckp mcm tu...bkn ke spttnye aku rasa hepi n overjoyed sbb 1 bnde yg aku tunggu2 dkt 7 taun akhirnye dimakbulkan gak?i cannot explain that...


mungkin aku masih belum bersedia...mungkin aku kurang percaya...tp baru sekarang aku paham yg sebenarnye aku tak perlukan dia...i really2 want him to be my bf, i do, coz i think he's cool, he's juz great (pd pndgn aku) plus he's good looking (spe yg tak nk bf hensem kn..hehe)...tp the moment dia mintak jd lbh dari kawan, aku tak rasa apa2...tp aku tetap rasa sedih n sakit jiwa sekejap bila tau dia da de awek len...waktu tu mula la nk sumpah seranah kata dia tu sebenarnye tak ikhlas pn nk jd 'lbh dr kawan'...tp masalahnya aku sendiri pn tak pernah berikan jawapan pd soalan dia tu...aku cakap bg aku masa fikir...tp berbulan-bulan aku fikir...aku sebenarnya yg buat dia rasa bengang kot...sbb biar dia tunggu jawapan aku lama sgt...so, in the meantime maybe dia g usha awek len yg available...hahaha, last2 aku gk yg melepas...takpe la, mcm aku ckp awal2 tadi, mungkin aku memang tak perlukan dia langsung dlm hidup aku...sebagai kawan mungkin ya, lebih dari kawan definitely not...


n de lg la insiden2 len yg buat aku terfikir n teringat balik (down memory lane)...tp honestly, aku tak pernah menyesal pn atas apa jua keputusan yg aku buat sebelum ni...whether its a good, bad, brilliant or simply stupid decision, sbb itu semua yg mengajar aku menjadi lebih matang, lebih dewasa (hate to admit it but i have to...huk3)...

colorful...i need colors in my life

rahsia dua hati tak ingin dikongsi

rahsia itu sepatutnya tersimpan kemas hanya untuk santapan minda yang nakal.sesekali meronta untuk dikongsi namun malu awal-awal lagi memunculkan diri.hinakah aku jika berfikiran sedemikian?jahatkah aku kalau cuba menurut kata nafsu?hipokritkah aku andai berpura-pura naif?fikiran moden cuba mengawal akal fikiran.hakikat jauh cuba dijadikan alasan.pelajaran lalu tak dijadikan sempadan.perancangan dibuat mengikut keinginan.mengharap intimasi menjadi tunjang.tapi benarkah itu yang diinginkan?atau hanya menifestasi tanda kedewasaan?hanya memikirkan jauh bezanya dengan betul-betul melaksanakan...cerita benar?atau imagnasi yang terjangkau akal fikiran?pilihan mengikut keterbukaan masing-masing. =p

----

terfikir sejenak kebarangkalian yang mungkin terjadi.minda terhenti.berfikir dulu baru bertindak.ini yang selalu diungkapkan.namun benarkah kita berfikir terlebih dulu?atau bertindak dulu kemudian baru memikirkan langkah yang seterusnya?ada berani?jiwa kacau.



berperang dengan perasaan sendiri.melumpuhkan sistem pertahanan yang dibina bertahun-tahun lamanya.kenapa?persoalan itu tiada jawapannya.atau sengaja tidak mahu mencipta jawapan kepada soalan.kekeliruan wujud hanya menambahkan kusut.benarkah restu mereka?aku terlalu paranoid.jiwa kacau lagi.



tersedar dari kemelut yang menyesakkan.hadir cahaya yang cuba membimbing.menghulurkan tangan.aku hanya memandang sepi.malah aku melangkah setapak ke belakang.belum masanya.terima kasih cahaya.



hari itu tetap akan hadir jua.jangan khuatir.

orang bercinta banyak rahsia

ini hakikatnya...orang bercinta memang banyak simpan rahsia...

saya bukannya bercakap bagi pihak orang lain, tapi hubungan kami yang baru sahaja berputik sudah mula menunjukkan tanda-tanda yang kami bakal menyimpan banyak lagi rahsia di masa akan datang...

idea untuk tajuk entri hari ini datangnye dari sebuah blog yang saya 'ter'jumpa semasa 'jalan-jalan' menjengah blog orang lain...

http://lovehatelifeangel.blogspot.com/2008/08/hipokrit-dua-kekasih.html


ianya berkisar hal sepasang kekasih yang menyimpan rahsia daripada pengetahuan keluarga masing-masing...hal ini bagaimanapun adalah normal bagi muda-mudi zaman sekarang (saya turut bersetuju)...

ya, saya juga mengaku saya menyimpan rahsia...

demi menjaga hati orang-orang yang saya sayang...

saya tidak sempurna...

tiada apa yang sempurna di muka bumi ini kecuali Allah s.w.t...saya kurang bijak untuk berbicara soal agama, dan sebagai manusia yang lahir dengan perasaan ingin tahu yang kuat serta keinginan yang melonjak-lonjak untuk mencuba sesuatu yang baru mengaburkan dan mematikan akal waras saya...

ya, saya pernah buat silap, tapi bukannya tersilap seperti "itu"...

dan ya, saya masih berfikiran konservatif...

tersilap membuat perhitungan dan penilaian yang kurang matang mengundang bencana...tapi seperti peribahasa orang putih-putih "let bygone, be bygone"...

luka lama usah ditoreh kembali...hanya akan mengalirkan darah yang mengotorkan jiwa...

rahsia itu perlu wujud, bukannya sebagai alasan untuk berselindung dari menjadi orang yang sebenarnya bukan diri kita...tapi lebih menjurus ke arah untuk tidak menambahkan gundah dan rasa kecewa di hati golongan-golongan yang disayangi...



p/s hari ini saya terlebih rajin...menge'post' 3 entri sekaligus dlm 1 hari...apakah maksud di sebalik kerajinan itu??

reminder------21st Sept

maybe gambar tu x berapa jelas...biar saya taip semula okke

besday saya

- ingat tau
- jgn lupa beli hadiah
- tp ni bln pose, blnje lps raya pn ok je =)

someone reminds me about this...saya conteng2 je dlm buku dia...then he really take it seriously...tp org kata...x baik tolak rezeki...org da nk bg hadiah, say pn tadah la tgn seluasnya..hehe

Road Runners

aku ingin lari
seperti watak sufi dlm filem 'sepi'

tapi berlari tanpa arah dan tujuan
bukankah hanya meletihkan

berbaloikah pengorbanan dan penantian
kalau hanya untuk dikecewakan?

p/s npe tibe2 melankolik plak ni....ish3 ;D (n if i'm not mistaken, the shoes is called road runners)

Yesterday

080808

nice numbers, only comes once in a lifetime...were said to be the luckiest day for the chinese (n for most of the people who believe it)...however, that day were not the lucky date for some...a friend of mine lost her sister, yesterday early morning (not really sure the COD, but my friend's sister had been in a coma for about 3 months, if i'm not mistaken)...n i lost a friend just before the clock strikes twelve (just 'lost', not dead)

i'm not crying (i did, last night, for about 5 minutes, i guess)...but after that, it seems like everything went back to normal...as if nothing ever happens...i dunno, i guess i'm not really serious, not really care, not really sincere having that relationship at the first place...who knows it better other than Him, so i put everything in His hands...for quite some time i think about the decision that i made last night...as far as i know, everything that i ever promise about this special yet complicated friendship, i never take it seriously...not even once, i broke each and every little promises...n yet somehow, i never regret any of it...it has been a roller coaster journey, which had never been intended at the very beginning...but still, i try to put everything behind me...i know it will never come to a good end, neither do i know that it will going to be this bad...having said all that, i'm wishing for his well-being n happiness from afar

and as a servant to His Almighty, all i can do is seeking His forgiveness n praying for all the great things in life to come...not only for me, but for others as well...

"WHEREVER YOU GO AND FIND DARKNESS IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO LIGHT THE LAMP WITHIN YOURSELF"

"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

p/s am i learning my lessons yet? only He knows

am i??

someone told me "erina, be a good girl from now on..."

de lg smbgn pd ayat tu, but let me juz keep that to myself...but i told myself, how can i be a good girl when i'm not-so-good girl to begin with...tp, tu sume adalah judgement pd diri saya sendiri...well, whatever it is...i'll try ok, i'll try to be a good girl from now on...i guess, klu saya cuba sedaya upaya, xkn ada istilah mustahil...anything is possible if we try our best...i'll try to be optimistic rite now even though that's the hardest thing yg nk dilaksanakn...rsenye lebih mudah utk being negatif rather than be positif...knpe ek?? i wonder why...mmmm

tp pape hal pn...no matter how hard or difficult it may be...let juz assume de something yg lebih baik menunggu pada masa akan datang...

I believe it will get better in time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be ok

[ Chorus: ]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy
you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be ok

[ Chorus: ]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll
be fine without you
Yes I will

[ Chorus: ]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Dunno why, tp since Leona Lewis makes an appearance...ak slalu dpt rse yg lagu2 dia byk relate dgn pe yg jd pd diri ak skrg ni...klu mse first time dia kuar ngn single 'Bleeding Love' yg meletup around de world tu...i told myself, i'm gonna stick to that song, permanently...coz it seems like i don't even care what others think bout what i do (yes, i'm stubborn, n very selfish+self-centered)...if it makes me happy, i'll juz continue doing whatever i think is rite...even though it's the worst decision i ever did to myself...tp skrg ak rse i'll stick to 'Better in Time'...coz i think it really fits me well (mmm...life IS absurd, it's hard to even make a 'RIGHT' choice)...but, how do u know u're making the rite choice when there is so much possibilities in the outcome...mmm, what the hell am i rambling here...walau bagaimana pun, i'm positive...juz like a dear fren of mine told me last night..."erina, be positif...klu ko rse mslh ko bsr, de org yg de mslh lg bsr drpd ko...juz byk b'sbr n stop crying...ak akan slalu de utk temankn ko"....mmm, i find his words soothing n comforting...n rite before ak tdo mlm td, ak t'tnye2 adakah slame ni ak t'lalu taksub m'cari sesuatu yg ak sndr xtau pe...sdgkn pe yg ak cari tu de dkt je dgn ak sbnrnye (like, rite in front of my eyes), t'lmpau dkt smpi ak sndr x sdr akan kehadiran dia...mmm, tah la...life is full of adventures n mysteries yg smpi ble2 pn x akan de kesudahannye...unless we die, i think so...kat sini, ak attach lirik both 'Better in Time' n 'Bleeding Love'...juz to remind me what really happens...mybe i need a counseling.hehe

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away (dis is really, really true, 'they' really did try to pull me away)
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling (obviously!!)

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face (ckp mcm ni bila u're madly in love...mmm)
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe (maybe, it is true after all)