cerita minggu ni

i dont really like to count actually, particularly when i have to wait a whole week for it to end. like; 12 weeks. coz deep down inside i juz cant wait for the 1st trimester to end. it is not like it is such a terrible thing to experience, it is not like i hate the experience. no, it is not like that. when i feel good, then i dont think to much, i dont really think about being tired, so sick and such thing. i feel great about my growing belly. but, only when i feel so sick in the morning, before going to bed, or when i'm driving, i feel so terrible. and sometimes out of nowhere, i'll start crying. coz i feel so tired, so useless and so weak.

tak baik kan merintih macam ni. anak ni rezeki Allah bagi. ada orang merayu2 berdoa diberikan zuriat yang terlahir dari kasih halal antara suami isteri tapi tak diperkenan doanya. sedangkan aku bila dah diperkenan doa tapi sibuk mengadu tak tahan nak hadapi semua ni. berdosa sungguh rasa diri ni.

this is the time when i realized i'm not so strong as i thought i would be. i can be independent, tapi tak kuat. aku selalu cakap kat diri sendiri, kalau mak boleh mengandung dan bersalinkan kami 7 beradik, why cant i do it. macam loser je kan. but my husband always n always make me feel better. and make me feel a bit strong. or make me believe that i'm still attractive eventho muka selekeh or buruk gila sebab rasa tak sihat. or baru lepas muntah depan dia.

hari tu pun masuk hospital lagi sekali. UTI. ingatkan sakit lain, cuak takut2 baby kena pape. bila ada sorg medical officer (lelaki) yang amek blood pressure tu tnye, pernah scan ke tak sblm ni, sbb nak make sure the baby is in the right position or not (nauzubillah), aku dah fikir macam2 dah. sebab simptom yang aku describe kat dia tu buat dia suspect camtu kot, lagipun memang aku tak pernah pergi scan lg, sebab bila jumpa doktor pun dia cakap takut tak berapa nampak pape pun except macam ada bulat kecik dalam perut. dia cakap nanti ada sorang doktor perempuan akan examine and scan the belly. dalam hati doa2 bukan macam apa yang aku takutkan. my husband cakap, kita tengok dulu camna and redha je dengan apa2 keputusan pun.

ok, masuk dalam, doktor check, alhamdulillah baby dalam uterus, not anywhere else. cuak ok. ectopic pregnancy is not something that i'm prepared my mental with. and somehow bila dapat tengok baby tu terus hilang rasa sakit yang mencucuk2 tadi. and i noticed my husband smile, the kind of smile that can rarely be seen. the sincere one :)

ok la, dah dpt tengok baby, sihat semua, jantung dia berdegup laju je. i feel so happy, so blessed rasa nak nangis je masa tu. but we're not done yet. kena tunggu urine test plak, tunggu punya tunggu, lama la plak, almaklum la, hospital kerajaan, lepas tu ramai pulak patient malam tu, hubby cakap dia lapar. aku pun lapar gak sebenarnya masa tu, so kitorang lari pergi mcD jap, hehe. at least takdela bazir masa menunggu sambil berlapar kan. bijak tak kami?haha

dapat result, confirm UTI. so dapat antibiotik, balik rumah sambung tido.